city sidewalks

Hobo, in false British accent: Of all the dimensions in the universe, I had to end up in this one! New York — filthy, dirty, grimy. Greatest city in the world? Bah! I could have been fighting dragons with Merlin, but no! I had to end up here!

–6 train  (courtesy of www.overheardinny.com)

I was stepping onto the number 1 train last Friday going uptown to my apartment, and the familiar scent of a homeless bum occupying a whole bench to himself hit my nostrils something awful.  Only it wasn’t just one, it was two.  Lucky for me, the one sitting closest was scarfing down a McDonald’s cheeseburger like his life depended on it, though considering how he looked, it just might have.

It was around 2 am and after just witnessing a trashy Harlem-bound ho and her boyfriend grinding their hips against a stair railing while their baby slept peacefully across the top of their shopping cart (yes, you read that correctly) I was not in the mood to deal with any other mortifying sights, so you can understand my dismay when smelling the putrid aroma on the train.  I sat down, the doors closed, and all of a sudden, out of one of the bum’s pile of found/stolen goods blares “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.  I couldn’t make this up if I tried, people.

His friend starts mumbling incoherently, and apparently it was a joke because I’ve never seen two stoned homeless guys laugh harder in my life.  The one grooving to his speaker starts shouting: “Ain’t no otha like anotha brotha” over, and over, and over, and over.  Spitting, shrieking and laughing so hard that tiny, chewed pieces of his McDonald’s burger are flying onto the subway floor from his mouth and landing dangerously close to my suede loafers. 

Sometimes on a particularly rough day I’ll think to myself, “man, homeless people have it made” but I wonder why they still insist on shlepping around a city like New York, fighting the bitter cold, biting winds and the most jaded crowd in America.  Hop a freight train down to Miami, will you!!??  Stop bothering all of us busy, apathetic New Yorkers, begging for change on every other street corner. 

Here’s a hint:  the more of you there are, the less change each one of you will get!  Spread the hell out! 

Who’s with me?